Julie- unplugged version

I have been inundated with at least one e-mail recently and I thought I would reply to all of them with a posting.

Then I thought, oh sod it. why should I?

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the railway station two days ago. Well, actually I didn't think it funny. I queued up for a cheap day return ( yeah, that's me - a cheap ride) and discovered I had no money in my wallet. (Not like - " Why- you must be Dr. Wallet, I am Mr Stanley )So I went to a bank cash machine. It was a new machine and so I was a bit suspicious of it but went ahead anyway. I was waiting for my money to come out and nothing happened.

It seemed to be flashing a bit and I couldn't see my card. Eventually I just spotted it, just a very tiny slither could be seen. My brain said " OK. pull the card out." My arm reached for the card ( my right arm, as I'm right-handed, despite being a tranny).The machine said " You are too late mate. I flashed at you for ages and you didn't take your card, so I'm keeping it, so fuck off!"

I wasn't very happy with this machine which had suddenly been given a human embodiment. I resisted my urge to shout and kick the machine. For at least ten seconds.I asked, in a very ironic tone of voice, if it was happy now? I thought of headbutting it , but declined as it was smaller than me. As Julie I just wanted to scream and throw a tantrum and hit it with a handbag. Instead I looked into my brief case and managed to find enough £1 coins to pay for the train ticket.

As I went past the same spiteful machine I gave it a very disdainful stare and sneered at it. If it had not been a machine there would have been an almighty argument, everyone would have stopped whatever they were doing: having silly photos taken in the photobooth; burning their tongues on the paper coffee cups; begging for ten "p" ( cents); running after the train that has just left the station; selling a copy of Big Issue. Instead I had to wait till I got to the office before I could pick a fight with the first person I saw.

I couldn't even unplug the dam bitch.